so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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