wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i think i have two assholes
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
