9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
