the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
