yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
