dude i'm inner monologue high
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
