i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
