you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
