My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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