I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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