I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
