Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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