i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
it's like iHOP with fire
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
