At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
