My hand turned me down
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
