if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
pray to the hookup gods
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
