I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
