We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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