Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
