I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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