I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I wish you could order shots online.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
