I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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