after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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