Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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