I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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