Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
