Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
