Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
