1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
