John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
