I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
