I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize