if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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