yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
