I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
