her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
