batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
