I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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