I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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