Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize