I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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