I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
