i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
