i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
