I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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