it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
