I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
