At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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