I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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