I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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