Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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