you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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