the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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