I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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