Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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