You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
