Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
