went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
