I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
